Band name: Cheeseburger
What I think they’ll sound like: There is not much in this world that is better than a cheeseburger. If they live up to their name, which is as possible as the Miami Heat having a chance without LeBron, Cheeseburger will be layers of melodic and captivating composition, with a lead singer whose voice is a blend of the ferocity of Fiona Apple and the delicacy of Norah Jones. Also, if I have my way, they will end the show by throwing bacon at the audience.
What they actually sound like: The split-personality love child of Joey Ramone and Glenn Danzig. I’ll take another half point because they may actually throw bacon.
Band name: Of Mice and Men
What I think they’ll sound like: I’m mostly intrigued because this is one of my all time favorite books. This should be some thoughtful music, simple and quiet but emotionally driven. Violin, upright bass, a small jazz drum set, a banjo for good measure, and both male and female harmonies.
What they actually sound like: Failure and farts. John Steinbeck is rolling over in his grave at this crap.
Band name: Go Back to the Zoo
What I think they’ll sound like: A packed stage of shaggy-haired, t-shirt and jean-wearing twenty-something horn players, backed by rock and roll drums and fronted by a soulful singer with huge hair. It will not be funky, but it will be loud.
What they actually sound like: A quartet of shaggy-haired, t-shirt and jean wearing twenty somethings playing the usual instruments for a rock band. If Spoon were Dutch and listened to a little bit more electronic music, this is what they’d sound like. It is a little funky, and it can be loud.
Band Name: Yiddish Cowboys
What I think they’ll sound like: I’m picturing Billy Crystal playing an acoustic guitar while riding a horse.
What they actually sound like: Fiddler on the Roof played by slightly over-weight Texans in cowboy hats.
Kevin Smallwood
Band name: Pulled Apart by Horses
What I think they’ll sound like: A wood paneled four-piece utilizing brushed drums and an upright bass. The high pitched lead singer utilizes uncharacteristic instruments such as the ukulele, tambourine and accordion; he is the average height of a jockey. His voice is complimented by an acoustic guitar/banjo playing female providing baritone vocals. They also sweat, a lot.
What they actually sound like: Take the hardest rocking part of the Foo Fighters, throw in some indie guitar riffs and British death metal voices. They actually do sweat, a lot.
Band name: Fat Pimp
What I think they’ll sound like: In the movie Twins, Danny Devito’s character is basically “the shit left over” from an experiment that created Arnold Schwarzenegger. I imagine Fat Pimp to be the shit left over from Fat Joe. In this case, a skinny Puerto Rican poet who throws a firm back hand. This technique is always delivered with little or no leg movement as not to disturb the velour cape hanging from Fat Pimp’s shoulders.
What they actually sound like: Oh you mean the ‘Fresh Prince of Swag’? Well he’s certainly not the shit, nor is he the remnants of Fat Joe. While he falls into the Southern rap clique, he thankfully lacks the unintelligible crunk word-bending. Put simply, Fat Pimp has busy beats and hooks like “Ride that dick like a new Maserati”.
Band name: Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs
What I think they’ll sound like: 6 DJ’s that suffer from short arm syndrome and expletive turrets. In live audience settings they create improvised music based on digitized dinosaur roars in the same way the Flaming Lips assemble cell phone orchestras. They all suffer from extreme social anxiety and no one dances at their live performances because their expletive outbursts are based on movement.
What they actually sound like: The offspring of Hot Chip’s bi-sexual brother and an Atari 2600.
Band name: Tiger! Shit! Tiger! Tiger!
What I think they’ll sound like: A panicky Bengalese political rock group featuring three beautiful cymbal players. their first single was an inventive cover of the Fatboy Slim remix of Brimful of Asha.
What they actually sound like: Speedy punk surf rock wrapped in tight t-shirts. These guys are based around a great drummer but I can’t understand a thing they are saying. They seem upset.
Band name: Gay Sports Casters Featuring the Lollygaggers
What I think they’ll sound like: I think they’ll sound like Afternoon Delight as sung by Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) and the other anchors. They will also feature ’70s style porn outfits and a small group of scantily clad women on roller skates who will execute coordinated dance moves.
What they actually sound like: I have no idea because I couldn’t find anything. But read this hilarious from bio from SxSW: “The Gay Sportscasters were formed way back in 1995. Singer Jeff Smith had the band name kicking around in his head for a number of years, his only real goal being to have some T-shirts bearing the band name with Howard Cossell holding a microphone that resembled a penis.”
Conor Kelley
Band name: ABBI
What I think they’ll sound like: This Swedish quartet started in the early ’70s but could never get it together like their more successful countrymen. Originally slated over ABBA to sky rocket to stardom, the band plateaued at mild-recognition status. Most blame this on the lead singer’s insistence on sophomoric song themes, like his sunny pop number about a girl who embarrasses herself in a Stockholm discotheque, Dancing Queef.
What they actually sound like: Laid back Kenyan reggae. 4,300 miles from Sweden. I’m 0 for 1.
Band name: Dikes of Holland
What I think they’ll sound like: This band is awesome.
What they actually sound like: This band sucks.
Band name: Ludachrist
What I think they’ll sound like: If Christian-themed rap really did go out with DC Talk in ‘91, then we can only hope Ludachrist can bring it back to its former glory. Hopefully Ludachrist plays classic old-testament bangers like Move Bitch (Get Out Da Communion Line) and You Reap What You Sow, In Different Area Codes. Ludachrist’s flow can be described as wrathful and his groupies only find themselves on their knees while praying.
What they actually sound like: Krunked out mashups. Zero religious undertones.
Band name: Django Django
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTDgcWrwuhs[/youtube]
What I think they’ll sound like: Everyone’s favorite gypsy jazz guitar legend Django Reinhardt had only three functional fingers on his left hand. He died in 1953 but in his spirit I imagine Django Django is a band that has only sixworking fingers between everyone on stage. Whether it’s one guy with three fingers on each hand pounding on some bongos, or six men with only one finger each, all miraculously synced up on a Casio keyboard, it will surely be entertaining, uplifting, and let’s face it, hilarious.
What they actually sound like: Rhythm heavy backbeats, endearingly off-key vocals and synth melodies. All members have 10 working digits.
Band name: Chips for the Poor
What I think they’ll sound like: These guys seem like a misguided bunch of college students trying to help out society with their music but failing miserably. Their lyrics are terrible. Their guitarist uses his delay pedal entirely too much, but it’s all he can do to compete with the lead singers huge ego and dramatic stage presence. Poor people don’t need junk food. They need good protein and vitamins.
What they actually sound like: Pissed off and spaced out Britishers. Wrong again.
As you can see, apparently not much can be deciphered from what a band calls themselves. I guess we’ll just have to find out what’s worth listening to first-hand when we hit 6th Street with our pens and cameras. Be sure to follow 3GM’s complete SXSW coverage of the talented, the up-and-coming and the down right weird, from March 16-21 on Hidden Track.
One Response
Hlarious, just hilarious! Great article on what is one of the harder parts of being a musician (what shall we call ousrselves?) Choose wisely, these labels may forever haunt you…
“no one dances at their live performances because their expletive outbursts are based on movement”