B-Sides

The forty-eighth Grammy awards are but a week away. The music industry will descend upon Los Angeles any moment now and will have to deal with Woody Allen's assertion that he didn't "want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light." Here are some predictions from the main categories…

Record Of The Year

We Belong Together, Mariah Carey

Feel Good Inc., Gorillaz

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams, Green Day

Hollaback Girl, Gwen Stefani

Gold Digger, Kanye West

The buzz is that this is Mariah Carey's year. So let's just state that she'll win in the "important" categories like this one. Three monster tunes here with Kanye West's Gold Digger eclipsing Gorillaz and Gwen (in that order). I believe “Gold Digger” is up there with “Hey Ya” and “Crazy In Love” in the sense that it plays well across pretty much every demographic (between the ages of 5 and 50 in any case) which possibly proves that hip hop and R &B have become more accessible than rock.

WILL WIN: MARIAH CAREY

SHOULD WIN: KANYE WEST

Album Of The Year

The Emancipation Of Mimi, Mariah Carey

Chaos And Creation In The Backyard, Paul McCartney

Love. Angel. Music. Baby. Gwen Stefani

How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb,U2

Late Registration, Kanye West

Inexplicably, Mariah Carey is favored to pull off the double and take home Album Of The Year. I read one (unintentionally) hilarious prediction stating that Paul McCartney will nab this because the other heavyweights will cancel each other out. Not a chance. I can't see Stefani winning because I view her as a singles act; and correct me if I'm wrong but didn't the U2 record come out in November 2004? Does this mean that because Bono is politically active and a very good person to boot that their release date got overlooked?!? Of course, the standout effort was by Kanye but a win here could subliminally be read as Grammy voters agreeing with his comments about Bush. I fear that come the end of the night, you might argue that Grammy voters don't care about Kanye West...

WILL WIN: MARIAH CAREY

SHOULD WIN: KANYE WEST

Best Rock Song

Speed Of Sound, Coldplay

Best Of You, Foo Fighters

Beverly Hills, Weezer

City Of Blinding Lights, U2

Devils &Dust, Bruce Springsteen

An extremely solid selection with only Springsteen's inclusion smacking of the old boy network clearly being at work. Only the Foo Fighters truly "rock" out of these five choices but I think this will go to Coldplay. Weezer's “Beverly Hills” might be viewed as too novelty (the video was shot at the Playboy mansion), and U2 have bigger awards to win. And so Chris Martin will get his chance to make trade fair or at least do the decent thing and update us on Gwyneth's pregnancy.

WILL WIN: COLDPLAY

SHOULD WIN: FOO FIGHTERS

Best Rock Album

X&Y, Coldplay

In Your Honor, Foo Fighters

A Bigger Bang, The Rolling Stones

How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, U2

Prairie Wind,Neil Young

Never mind whom actually wins here just think about the nominees combined age! Not exactly the raison d'etre of rock, is it? And wouldn't it be wonderful if either the Stones or Neil Young won just to see if they could walk up to the stage? A Bigger Bang was viewed as the Stones best album in twenty years but does that make it a worthy contender? Young's Prairie Wind was far more accomplished and is my sneaky tip to "do" a Steely Dan and pull off a shock win. That said, I can't look beyond U2. Again, should they be nominated but, seeing as they are, that must mean something. In Your Honor was slightly on the long side and X &Y is (in my opinion) a truly epic side X and very average side Y. Go back down the alphabet and there's your winner...

WILL WIN: U2

SHOULD WIN: U2

Best Alternative Music Album

Funeral, The Arcade Fire

Guero, Beck

Plans, Death Cab For Cutie

You Could Have It So Much Better, Franz Ferdinand

Get Behind Me Satan, The White Stripes

It must be me then. The clear winner - Arcade Fire's Funeral - is another 2004 release but as the Arcade Fire are U2's soundtrack act of choice to enter the stage to, maybe Bono had a word with Mr. and Mrs. Grammy and paved the way for the Montreal rockers. Putting my snarky comments to one side, Funeral is an incredible record, unlike anything else nominated. If you haven't got it, well, you're missing out so do the decent thing and be nice to your Canadian cousins! Otherwise, there was more interesting work from Beck and The White Stripes but they've both seen better days. Franz Ferdinand released an arguably weaker sophomore album whereas Death Cab are probably included because the current dictionary definition of 'alternative' has a portrait of the band looking pensive. No, really.

WILL WIN: ARCADE FIRE

SHOULD WIN: ARCADE FIRE

Best Rap Album

Be, Common

The Cookbook, Missy Elliott

Encore, Eminem

The Massacre, 50 Cent

Late Registration, Kanye West

At least he'll walk away with this one. I can't really imagine what Kanye would have to say to not win here (though his Rolling Stone Jesus cover might potentially upset a few undecided voters). Missy Elliott continues her token 'woman who it's acceptable to listen to in the male dominated world that is rap' (rolls right off the tongue, yeah?) role but I feel that her and Eminem's time has gone in the eyes and ears of the voters. Common has a shot with his finest album but even that would be a virtual victory for Mr West as he produced it. 50 Cent - or 31p as we like to call him in England - has the credibility factor (will we ever tire of learning how many times he's been shot?) but I'll eat my foam Grammy hat if Late Registration comes anywhere but first.

WILL WIN: KANYE WEST

SHOULD WIN: KANYE WEST

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The Oscars

(I'm) Oscar The Grouch

What exactly are we meant to make of Tuesday’s Oscar nominations? What does it say about culture in early 2006? What does it represent for the Academy? And how should you, the all important viewer, feel about it?

Someone who clearly carries some clout in Hollywood announced the nominations - and Mira Sorvino was there too - and I must give credit where it's due. I fully expected a song and dance routine, a plethora of models or at least a roar from King Kong/Andy Serkis but they just got on with it. I guess that seeing as it was 5.30 in the morning over on the West Coast, they couldn't drum up the enthusiasm and, anyway, what good is a power breakfast if it doesn't start at 6.00am?

More predictable were the nominations themselves. Yet again the Academy has outdone itself by seemingly rewarding the films that its members believe to have some sort of merit and haven't actually bothered with the best films of the year. It doesn't annoy me in the slightest that Brokeback Mountain leads the way with eight nominations. I haven't even seen Ang Lee's almost certainly well crafted film and, you know, the business of these two cowboys is theirs alone. I just want no part of it (though I fully encourage the use of 'brokeback' into the popular lexicon. 'Where are John and Jack?' 'Oh, they've gone brokeback bowling'). There are far worse offenders I'm afraid...

CRASH, BANG, WHASSUP?

I saw Crash on its opening weekend way back in May and left the theatre distinctly unmoved. Actually, that's not entirely true: I can't remember seeing a film so pleased with itself as this one. It might as well have screamed "WE'RE RAISING SOME REALLY IMPORTANT ISSUES HERE YOU HEATHENS! CAN'T YOU GRASP WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO DO?". When all's said and done, Crash comes down to four 'ooh' and 'aah' moments: Sandra Bullock is scared to say that two African-Americans are going to car jack her and her husband (ooh). They do (aah). Matt Dillon plays a horrible cop who is particularly nasty to Thandie Newton (ooh). But not at the very end (aah). To those who raved about the interlocking storyline and coincidences, you should know that Crash is simply an inferior version of any Seinfeld episode. Just without the laughter and guitar. Paul Haggis is truly the emperor with another new batch of clothes - he penned the insufferable Million Dollar Baby where you ended up envying Hillary Swank's situation. Next up for Haggis is his chance to put the final nail in the James Bond coffin with his re-write of Casino Royale. But the depressing thing is that Crash will be the surprise winner on Oscar night and this is why: the majority of the people who vote are actors and this was a real actor's film because it's an ensemble cast with no headlining star. And that alone made for a poster where no egos were in the least bit bruised. Trust me, it'll do well on the night but it wasn't even the best film of 2005 with the word 'Crash' in the title...some small consolation for Wedding Crashers.

GEORGE SWOONEY

It's official. Oscar is in love with George. He has two nominations, which is the same amount as my favorite two films of 2005 put together! I haven't seen Goodnight, and Good Luck so can't comment on his directing but was unimpressed by him in Syriana. Is it really as simple as putting on weight for a role literally lends gravitas to your performance? For me, his one great part was in his breakout film, the painfully cool Out Of Sight (what about Batman and Robin, I hear you cry). At least he'll walk away empty handed on the night. Probably.

BUT WHAT ABOUT?..

Why oh why does the Academy ignore great movies to the extent where they're now mocking modern cinema? Thank goodness Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon's amazing performances in Walk The Line are recognized...and yet not a sniff in Best picture or director. The Squid and the Whale gets one solitary nod in Best original screenplay and there's only two for A History Of Violence, easily the best English language film of the year. At least the omens are in its favor to walk away with one Oscar: for me, the two greatest American films of the decade - Almost Famous and Lost In Translation - won for their screenplays and so should this. Shame on the Academy, however, for their shady rules over what constitutes a foreign language film, which must be the reason the incredible Caché misses out. You may not know this (I only learnt about it a few weeks ago) but the film must be in the same language as the director. And so because Michael Haneke is Austrian and the movie is in French, Caché will now go down as the great undiscovered film de nos jours. Hidden indeed. Of course, Caché should have been in the running for Best picture but, frankly, there was more chance of me hosting the Oscars than that happening.

THE BRITS ARE COMING?

A reasonable showing for British representation on the night. Was it me or was there audible laughter upon Keira Knightley's nomination for Pride and Prejudice? The Punch and Judi show carries on unabated with our Dame's nod for Mrs. Henderson Presents. A shame that the radiant Rachel Weisz couldn't get a grown up nomination for Best actress in The Constant Gardener. I mean, the film's only about her. Nick Park, meanwhile, is a lock for Best animated film with Wallace and Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit. I love the fact that Hollywood head honcho (bless you) Jeffrey Katzenberg flew to Bristol last year to see Park (believe it or not, they had to extend the runway for his arrival) and made suggestions to change his movie. Park made him a cup of tea, took his comments on board and didn't alter a single frame! And shouldn't that be our two countries relationship? You fly in, we host you and listen politely. We don't change our opinion and are ultimately proved right. It's like Hugh Grant and Billy Bob Thornton in Love Actually...just slightly more profound.