Athletes Who Would Make Great Front Men

Andre Agassi

Remember men’s tennis? Yeah, men play it too. I know, it’s weird. Even the camera commercials used to have men in them. There used to be this dude, Andre Agassi, who was just the baddest, and he was good too. He wielded a mullet like Barry Melrose and glasses like Glen Plake. He wore all this neon crap and used to slide all over the court performing crowd pleasing acrobatics. I’m not sure what ever happened to that guy, but I bet he could front a mean tribute band.

In the Vein Of: David Bowie, Journey, Billy Ray Cyrus, pretty much anyone with a mullet

Clinton Portis

It’s hard to really define the Clinton Portis style, but whatever it may be, there’s no question he’s got it and we’re pretty sure it involves a personality disorder.There’s no question he’d shine on stage in the spotlight. In fact, Portis actually conjured up an entire ensemble of alter egos, which often show up at press conferences, including “Dr. Do Itch Big,” “Southeast Jerome,” “Coach Janky Spanky,” “Bro Sweets”, “Choo-Choo”, “Sheriff Gonnagetcha” and “Dolemite Jenkins.” Plus, we know the guy can dance.

In the Vein Of: Andre 3000

Allen Iverson

Iverson is one of the last of the true gangstas in sport and coincidentally, he already has some experience both as a front man and in producing highly inappropriate rap tunes. Thanks in part to his bizarre history of run-ins with paraplegics and wielding semi-automatics, sports leagues have been cracking down on the gangsta shiz, and he was largely responsible for the NBA dress code debacle back in 2005. We can’t say we condone his behavior most of the time, but that’s par for the course in the rap game. I knew Iverson had star power when I visited my friends in Seoul, South Korea several years ago and met a kid whose English school name was, no kidding, Iverson. Plus, he’s already got his pièce de résistance: We Talkin’ Bout Practice!!

In the Vein Of: 50 Cent

Jason Giambi

Much like his former-Caveman teammate, Johnny Damon, Jason Giambi got himself all preppy after he settled in New York, but in the early days, he was plain scary. Look at the Lattimer-like glow in the eyes and the sheer size of those Pythons. I think I’d get in the squared-circle with Mike Tyson in his prime before this era of Giambi. Early-career Giambi seems like the ideal guy to front a death metal band, with a knack for signing groupies’ boobs post show.

In the Vein of: Pantera

Dennis Rodman

Do not be mistaken; the weirdo transvestite wedding dress Rodman is staying home. This nod goes strictly to old-school Worm who made his presence known with the ridiculously short shorts, excessive hustle, lanky movement and rebounds. It’s such a shame he got so messed up after his first marriage fell apart, but sometimes troubled minds make the best entertainers. Plus, we already know Rodman can perform off the court, since he teamed up with the Hulkster and defeated Karl Malone and Diamond Dallas Page in a wrestling match. Although, I’m still upset that they lost to Lex Luger, Rodman seems to have a flair for the dramatic and possesses an impeccable fashion sense.

In the vein of: Lady Gaga

Jim McMahon

As much as it pains me to say it, McMahon’s headband, mullet, giant forehead, and sunglasses combination had it goin’ on. Those ’85 Bears were all class. They had the dance moves, the music videos and the game to back it up. Jim McMahon with his visor and scrappy play was the ringleader.

In the Vein of: Tone Loc

Deion Sanders

Neon Deion had it all figured out from day one. It doesn’t matter if you if you actually look good, just as long as you think you do. Deion rocked his slammin’ moves, seven kilograms of gold chains, and even this wedding ensemble with pizzazz. He’s still got his style as a TV personality and his endzone dance took over playgrounds nationwide back in the day, so we know he has a performer’s footwork.

In the Vein of: MC Hammer

Kirk Gibson

This one is random, but Kirk Gibson was my very first favorite athlete. He was no nonsense when it came to his style, but he had charisma and sported that mustache like he was born with it. A lot of athletes dabble with the snot dam, but Kirk Gibson embodied it. Gibby and his ‘stache represented the blue collar boy down the street who made it to the bigs, which is exactly what we need in the music world, more kids from down the street who grow mustaches and form bands. Oh wait; there are currently 657,000 of those in Brooklyn? Whatever.

In the vein of: Lynyrd Skynyrd

Jim Tressel

While it’s easy to poke fun at Jim Tressel’s accounting guy persona, it’s sort of a calculated genius. He comes across like this smart nerd in a sweater vest that looks like he got his ass kicked for lunch money on regular basis, but those red vests make him one of the most recognizable figures in college sports. Plus, you know he’d come to the band with a thorough knowledge of the classics, mean technical chops, and a bunch of songs in 13/8 time.

In the vein of: Thom Yorke, Colin Meloy (The Decemberists)

Rasheed Wallace

For Sheed, it’s always been about the attitude. Dude used to show up to his games sporting a title belt. When Sheed rolled out in his zen warm-ups with the big ass headphones, the blue bag over one shoulder and the championship belt over the other shoulder, you knew it was game time. While Wallace can certainly occasionally take over the show as the lead guy, we guaransheed he’d be strong in the role of the sidekick rapper who waves his arms around and says “yeah,” “ah yeah,” and “gyeah” in the background; a true team player.

In the vein of: Mase, Birdman, DJ Jazzy Jeff

Chad Johnson

When it comes time to sit down at the table with record label for contract negotiations, nothing says “Let’s get serious” like a bleached Mohawk, Jujubees stuck in your front teeth and the name “Ochocinco” on the dotted line.

In the vein of: Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Coolio