HT Contributor Eliot Glazer has tremendously terrible taste in music. But he makes everything sound so damn appealing, so we allow him this soapbox…

I had never been much of a Family Guy fan. I found the humor too easy and not silly enough to actually be smart. That is, until I witnessed this clip on the television. Apparently, the writers of Family Guy face the same non-existential crisis I do: Is Randy Newman retarded or brilliant?

I’m pretty sure he’s just schizophrenic, suffering from maintaining two separate personalities. There’s Randall, the husky-voiced composer who writes and performs melodically expansive ruminations that have always labeled him the self-effacing philosopher that can be found waxing intellectual in a nearby dark corner (see: You Can Leave Your Hat On, Political Science, and God’s Song).

Then there’s Randy, the middle-aged dude whose quirky, fun canon of kid-friendly work equate to your goofy uncle’s deepest belly laugh (see: Simon Smith And The Amazing Dancing Bear and every song from the Pixar soundtrack library…ever).

When the “Randy” from the Family Guy clip pronounces “first” as “foist” before literally narrating what his eyes see (”left foot, right foot…”), I’m led to believe that the guy has somehow cheated his way into the larger pantheon of American music. Because that’s exactly what he is: a legendary American musician who has been showered in awards and accolades throughout his entire career, and not without witnessing other coveted musicians paying their respects by covering his tunes. But is it a sham? Read on to find out more about the true Randy…

When I first introduced Newman’s hilariously idiotic Short People — possibly his most famous, commercially successful song to not appear in a children’s film — to my friends, they didn’t believe it was real. They thought it was some novelty song I dug up somewhere on Limewire, or a piece of treasure found amid the cluttered attic that is YouTube attic.

Alas, no, Short People is a real song with real lyrics that go like this:

Short people got no reason to live
They got little hands
And little eyes
And they walk around
Tellin’ great big lies
They got little noses
And tiny little teeth
They wear platform shoes
On their nasty little feet

Ladies and gentlemen, Randy Newman, winner of numerous Oscars, Emmys, and Grammys, apparently despises the “nasty little feet” and compulsive lying of people below a certain height. Although the song was written in jest, controversy surrounded Short People. Newman never defended his song without draping it in a strong hint of irony. “I hate short people, it’s true,” he said. “The reason I don’t say anything is because the record label’s afraid I’ll tell people what I really think.”

Brilliant counterattack or slackjawed mutter? We may never know.

• Click here to download an mp3 of Randy Newman’s Short People