Money Saving Tips From a Co-Owner Of AIG
Can I borrow five bucks? No, don’t laugh, I’m serious. I just wasted a ton of hard-earned money purchasing this great little mom-and-pop operation called AIG. Well, technically it was the government who wasted my money for me, even though I didn’t ask them to.
But I’m sure things will work out for me in the end. I mean, I now am a co-owner of the largest insurance company in the world, and I’m confident that I can help turn things around and make us some cash. I just need to make sure the other 301,139,946 co-owners are on board with me.
So that five bucks we talked about, do you think I can have it by lunchtime? I hear McDonald’s has added three new items to the Dollar Menu.
In all seriousness though, the mood around here (and by here I mean the United States) has gotten a little too sobering for me. Some people are even predicting the end of the world is nigh, citing the stock market crash, natural disasters like the earthquake in China and Hurricane Ike, and the fact that the Cubs are favored to win the World Series.
I understand that we’re in a fiscal crisis and all, and we’re on the cusp of potentially voting a dinosaur and a woman who doesn’t believe in dinosaurs into the highest office in the land in a few months, but c’mon America – lighten up! Things could be much worse – at least you’re not Detroit. Oh wait, Detroit is a part of America. Scratch that.
But I’m not here to scare you even further into hibernation this winter. I’m here to help you survive this recession economy with handy money saving tips, like this one from The All For Nots:
READ ON for the conclusion of Uncensored Thursdays…
Now, if you don’t happen to know anyone who works at a bar, or if you’re one of the millions of Americans who just can’t seem to put the bottle down, you can still save money by being a little spend-thrifty. Eschew the expensive Coronas, Sam Adams and Sierra Nevadas and instead grab a can of questionably delicious Porkslap Pale Ale, aka The Worst Beer You’ve Never Had. Rudy’s Bar & Grill in Hell’s Kitchen offers cans of this malty brew for a buck each, with the tagline “When quantity matters.”
But if drinking’s not your thing, either because of religious beliefs, family genetics, or a state-mandated electronic bracelet, fear not, there are other ways to save money. Just listen to this ingenious idea on upping your gas mileage, courtesy of Cadillac Sky:
But that’s not the only way to save money on gas. Did you know there’s a cheap, plastic gadget you can pick up for your car that can save you hundreds, possibly thousands on gas a year? All you need to find is a donor car, preferably one with an owner asleep or on vacation.
Some other helpful tips for conserving your hard earned moolah in today’s economy:
- Lost your job? Train in one of the fastest growing industries in America – locksmithing. Then use your new skill to break into people’s houses and steal their shit.
- Empty your IRA and 401K retirement plans, and invest in scratch-off lottery tickets. They’re less risky, and offer better payouts.
- Scared of a run on banks? Take all of your money out of your accounts and put it in a jar above your bed. If someone’s gonna steal your money, at least it should be someone who actually needs it.
- Where did your mom put all of those baseball cards you had when you were a kid? Hmm…
- Reuse garbage bags by emptying all of your trash into one giant container. If someone starts complaining about the smell of the thrice-used bags, say “Yeah it smells. It’s the fucking garbage, what do you expect?”
