In case you are still unsure of your goals for the New Year and still talking ’bout the man in the mirror and thinking about making that change, then this is your guide for a resolution. If there has ever been a musician with a soundtrack for righting life’s ship, it’s the late great Warren Zevon with his uplifting, half-full outlook on life. Well, maybe not exactly, but Warren always had a way of infusing his perpetual internal guilt in his songs and despite the mordant, melancholic lyrics, somehow they often leave an optimistic feeling.

Hence, today we’re taking some Zevon classics (many of which are from his last studio album, the foreboding magnum opus and severely underrated, The Wind) to devise a guide for some New Years Resolutions…

Cleaning Up Your Act - Dirty Life and Times (from The Wind)

Whether your vice is dirty needles, dirty sluts or dirty butts, misery loves company and in this case company plays a mean guitar (Ry Cooder). When you hit the fork in the road and do not know just which way to turn, the secret is to get those demons out on the table and talk to someone. As Warren will tell you, it ain’t easy admitting to having a problem, but admitting the problem exists is the first step to recovery.

“One day I came to a fork in the road. Folks, I just couldn’t go where I was told. Now they’ll hunt me down and hang me for my crimes. If I tell about my dirty life and times.”

READ ON for more Warren Zevon-fueled resolutions for ‘09…

Rebuild your 401k Portfolio - MacGillycuddy’s Reeks (From My Ride’s Here)

Take it from Warren on this one and steer clear of the stock market for the time being. By the looks of it, we’re stuck in this trough for a while and we‘re looking at an ‘09 full of bankruptcies, so best stick to some high quality fixed income investments until further notice. In case you are wondering, MacGillycuddy’s Reeks is not about an Irishman with a mean case of B.O. (body odor) Jackson, but rather an Irish mountain range.

“But when it comes to a jump start, your forecast’s pretty bleak. The NASDAQ goes by dips and starts, like Macgillycuddy’s Reeks. The NASDAQ goes by dips and starts, like Macgillycuddy’s Reeks.”

Kicking that Nasty Lithium Habit - Numb as a Statue (from The Wind)

I know how it is; you just want to feel something, right? Cutting yourself is never the answer. When you hurt yourself, you’re hurting the ones who love you and they don’t deserve to feel that pain.

“I’m numb as a statue. I may have to beg, borrow or steal some feelings from you. So I can have some feelings too.”

To Finally Make Amends with those Bad Rodeo Clowns - Something Bad Happened to a Clown (from Mutineer)

This one really only applies if you are Shakes the Clown (the Citizen Kane of alcoholic clown movies), but those Rodeo Clowns have been driving Shakes to drink for way to long and it has to stop. This is the year Shakes turns it all around, puts down the bottle, takes his party clown business to the next level, and runs the competition out of town.

“Someone lost their squirting rose. There’s his red nose on the ground. No one’s seen his painted smile. He’s been gone for quite a while. Something bad happened to a clown. Something bad happened to a clown.”

A Better Outlook on Life - Poor Poor Pitiful Me - (from Warren Zevon)

Can’t catch a break? Just want to end it? When things are so low that even the suicide attempts are a failure and the girls would rather you beat them up in a pair of assless chaps rather than love them, it’s easy to throw in the towel. But, be patient folks and things will turn around. Everybody gets worked over by their special someone now and again, but you gotta buck up and move on. Hold that chin up high and think positive, cause before long, that train will leave the station and you’ll be right there waiting for it.

“I’d lay my head on the railroad tracks, And wait for the Double “E.” But the railroad don’t run no more. Poor, poor pitiful me.”

Organize your Closet and Finally Install that New Cabinetry - Disorder in the House (from The Wind)

If Warren alone can’t inspire you to make the trip to the Container Store, a little help from another inspirational wiz, Bruce Springsteen, should surely get the job done.

“Disorder in the house. The tub runneth over. Plaster’s falling down in pieces by the couch of pain.”

Win the Stanley Cup - Hit Somebody (The Hockey Song) (from My Ride’s Here)

The NHLPA might lead you to believe that the NHL is finesse league and the goon is extinct, but they just want to sell tickets to family night. And if anyone should know, it’s the famed writer from Hockeytown with a penchant for writing touching novellas about old people, Mitch Albom. Mitch and Warren co-wrote this masterpiece homage to the hockey goon. The goon is still the secret to intimation in the NHL and if you want to win a cup; support the goon. Be careful though, because while a Probert, Grimson or Domi might help you in the enforcement department, just make sure they avoid the smuggling of narcotics to Canada in their underwear or at the very least put it in the underwear they are wearing.

Buddy’s real talent was beating people up. His heart wasn’t in it but the crowd ate it up
Through pee-wee’s and juniors, midgets and mites. He must have racked up more than six hundred fights. A scout from the flames came down from Saskatoon. Said, “There’s always room on our team for a goon. Son, we’ve always got room for a goon.”

Orchestrate a Withdrawal - The Envoy (from The Envoy)

It has been twenty six years since Warren Zevon wrote the Envoy and while the names have changed slightly, we are still singing the exact same song. For Mr. Biden and Mr. Obama, this is certainly one of a handful of New Year’s resolutions, so let’s see if they can finally begin to sort it out.

“Nuclear arms in the Middle East, Israel is attacking the Iraqis .The Syrians are mad at the Lebanese, and Baghdad do whatever she please. Looks like another threat to world peace. For the envoy. Send the envoy. Send for me.“

To Go See Phish - Seminole Bingo (from Mutineer)

“We didn’t stop ’til we got to Big Cypress. Wandered in to the Legion Hall. The sign outside said “Seminole Bingo.” Fell in love with the ping pong balls.”