Overdosing on Halloween Eye-Candy
Dr. Neeko is back for Round II — before we begin, let’s point out that he loves his mother, his aunt, all his old lovers and Rue McClanahan…
When I was a kid, before I became a doctor of course, Halloween was all about the mad rush to stuff as much tooth-rotting, brain-zipping sugar as you could fit into an old pillowcase before the sun went down and you missed curfew. We usually made out pretty well. We knew which houses gave the full-sized candy bars, which houses turned off the porch light and pretended not to be home, and which houses you could get away with visiting multiple times.
Of course you got the occasional old lady who’d give out four pennies wrapped in Scotch Tape, or the big buzz-kill-do-gooder handing out pieces of fruit. Fruit? Handing out fruit on Halloween is like giving out cap-guns in a war zone. Handing out fruit on Halloween is like dispensing condoms at an Indigo Girls/Ani DiFranco double-bill. Handing out fruit on Halloween is like giving out handjobs at an orgy. But all in all, it was a good racket we had going back then…
Look, ma: These girls show up on Google Images under “Halloween sluts”
Then, sometime around college, Halloween took on a new meaning. It was still about candy, but a different kind of candy, an even sweeter candy, a candy for the eyes. In the same way that St. Patrick’s Day is a ‘free pass’ to start drinking at 9 am, Halloween is a ‘free pass’ for many women to dress slightly more revealing than a Mexican hooker in August. And I, for one, think that’s just great.
Now, you can’t appreciate this fine aspect of the holiday if you’re at the wrong location. Chances are, you’ll wait till the last minute to make plans, and you’ll end up sitting at home watching Heroes on the DVR, handing out your hard-earned candy to a bunch of ungrateful neighborhood brats. Not cool, man. So, in an effort to spare some of you hornball HT readers from that awful fate, I’ve decided to compile an in-depth review of the eye-candy potential for a handful of Halloween concerts around the country. Let me guide you in the right direction…let me help you realize the full potential this holiday has to offer. So read on for a full list of concerts and what you may expect in terms of post-show spank material…
Ben Harper w/Donovan Frankenreiter
The Gusman Center Miami FL
Now, at first this show looks like a low potential event. I mean, Ben Harper surely rips and all, but the singer-songwriter opener in Donovan Frankenreiter concerns me a little. Kind of a strange choice, and normally it might draw a lot of sensitive-barista types. But this show’s potential is significantly increased by the simply fact that it’s in Miami. In all honesty, this show could be Ben Stein w/ Al Franken opening, and if it’s in Miami, I’d still give it higher grades.
Eye-candy Potential: B+
Ryan Adams
Hammerstein Ballroom NYC, NY
Fuck it. He’ll probably walk off stage early because the lights are too dim, or his shoe-laces aren’t tight enough or some lame-ass shit like that. You’re better off heading over to the Phil Lesh show at the Nokia. At least with Deadheads, you’re guaranteed to see some costumes even if it ISN’T Halloween.
Eye-candy Potential: C-
Sammy Hagar
Morris Performing Arts Center South Bend, IN
Here’s a tough one to call. My first thought is that this show has potential. I saw Van Halen about 12 years ago with the Red Rocker, and it certainly drew an attractive female crowd — but that was 12 years ago! The South Bend location is a little misleading as well…honestly, how many college kids these days really give a fuck about Van Halen, let alone Sammy Hagar solo?! This show could be a serious risk. You’ll be better off finding a party on Notre Dame campus.
Eye-candy Potential: C
The B52’s w/The Rapture
Roseland Ballroom NYC, NY
I think this show could be a real winner. First of all, it’s New York City, and NYC on Halloween with a kitschy party band like the B52’s? This sounds like the recipe for beautiful girls in skimpy Tinker Bell outfits. Low risk, high potential, love shack baby. Love shack, shimmy.
Eye-candy Potential: A-
Widespread Panic
Asheville Civic Center Asheville NC
Here’s another real winner. Spreadheads know how to have a good time, and every WSP show I’ve ever been to has been flush with beautiful women with sweet Southern accents. Extra points for the AsheVegas locale…
Eye-candy Potential: A+
Maroon 5 w/The Hives
Energy Solutions Arena Salt Lake City UT
I’m pretty sure Maroon 5 is well-liked by a lot of good looking women out there. I mean, I can’t imagine anyone but chicks being into this band. The Hives I don’t know much about. I think they’re an all-girl band from Sweden? Doesn’t that chick Pete Wentz sing for them? Anyway, if you’re in Utah, you’re pretty much screwed anyway. I can’t imagine a lot of Mormon girls wearing ‘sexy Mrs. Brigham Young’ costumes around the joint. I think your best bet would be to drive the six hours to Las Vegas. Then stay there.
Eye-candy Potential: D
Umphrey’s McGee w/Kinetix
The Fillmore Auditorium Denver CO
UM is sure to be a great show musically, but you may have a hard time finding the girl in the audience.
Eye-candy Potential: D-
The Duo w/American Babies
The Independent San Fransisco CA
Another sure-fire good time musically, but this show has actually got some potential for the eyes as well as the ears. Chicks dig red-headed Italians, apparently, and San Francisco conjures images of Acid Tests and days of Fillmore’s past…I’d say strong to medium strong portfolio
Eye-candy Potential: B+
Well, there you have it. I apologize if I slightly offended some of you with my misogynistic, brutish attempt at Halloween humor — I had fully intended to completely offend all of you. I will just have to try harder next time…
best.post.ever….but we need a WSP pic. Man, Panic Chicas…its what keeps me going back to Bonnaroo every year!
Dude, how can you neglect to mention the Disco Biscuits in Boston tomorrow night? I haven’t seen them in years so I have no idea what the potential is, but shit…that’s why you’re writing the column and not me!
There are hot chicks at Widespread shows? Eff me in the A. Maybe I should have taken it easy on the extra curriculars…
I’d hafta disagree about UM shows. There are always girls there, but they will get you 15-20 years if you look at them.
No mention of Kip Winger Trio in his parents basement?
don’t forget the Phil Collins, Don Johnson and Jan Hammer “Halloween Superjam”…
jambase might have something on this…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Tnyp9tRXRo&eurl=http://www.cosmicbuddha.com/blog/archives/002195.html
Aren’t Bisco shows always rated C? as in Hep-C?
Very interesting.
I think it did at one point become highly time to once and for all call out the fact that women should highly embrace their sexuality on some sort of holiday, or in public in general and feel OK with such, why not all hallows eve, for 3 weeks at a time especially in NYC with a bagged costume/concept and it’s does mark offical close of when such clothes will officially be tucked in rubermaid bins for the long hybernation of the winter. No more oogling from you men when we sublimely remove our sweater on subway in the heat of August. It’s all puffy coats from here on out. Why wouldnt we celebrate it’s close with a series of slut fests shrouded in a childrens holiday?
The pour dental bills and time spent covering eyes when tricker treating in Manhattan…
those kids should be eating fruit and not be out as late anyway…
my only question is in regards to the grading scale,
it must be complete fiction…
did you actualy attend each of these concerts and survery the scene ON hallows EVE!?
I for one roll on complete conception when giving hallowseve back to the adult. I don’t need to reveal assets to BE an asset, it’s about creating a character you’ve never heard of, playing the role, engaging you as a guesser and ultimatly a player. Its never failed to come off as sexy, enchanting and a child doesn’t need to cover their eyes.
signed,
Overd0th3d.
Best Post Ever
Yes, Panic chicks are the hottest in the jam scene- they where those cowboy hats - you know what position you’ll be doing later….
How could you forget
Roy Rogers Jr. & The High Riders
Branson MO
or
Insane Clown Posse
Detroit
and finally
Jagermeister Music Tour featuring The Cult
Ft. Lauderdale
All have intresting potential, and considering I am still making my plans for all hallows eve, I could really use your professional medical advice
Ummmmmmm…..pretty much gonna have to disagree with a lot of this. Ryan Adams…great artist, despite inconsistencies in his personality. But, the last time I saw him, the crowd was full of hotties.
Umphreys? Are you kidding me? This is a great young audience band! Tons of chicks (and guys) partying and dancing. Every show I’ve seen has been full of women.
I just saw Sammy. His show is one gigantic party. A- in my grade. Women all over the place…scantily clad.
How could one forget Gov’t Mule? They may not draw young hotties, but the music and surprises alone deserve an A .
Bethkaya - I’m not sure what you’re getting at, but you had me at ‘removing your sweater on the subway on a hot August day” giggity giggity giggity
hey january collection, just wait for my “best subway lines to catch girls removing sweaters” edition of august 08
Perhaps my point was a touch cryptic, and leave it to my writing style to be as such, it’s not necessary to completely turn a children’s holiday into a slutfest with PURE EYECANDY, you can implicate such with your dress and still remain a lady.
My question to the women, how does it make you feel when a little girl sees you in your tinkerbell costume and she looks down at hers, is this what she is to grow up and dress as? Cropped dress and hoisted assests?
The feminine form is lovely, yes… but imagination is just as enchanting. Was the visualization of a girl removing her sweater on the train, damp from heat, not hot?
It’s simple and PG.
I won’t say that I don’t look, “Peep snow white’s killer lace knickers”, but I’m just stating cause and effect here.
Ciao
BK
Thanks for such a great read! I always enjoy reading your blog.