Super Bowl XLV – Weird Beards & Long Hair

Ben Roethlisberger

Who Is Big Ben: Star quarterback and clutch Super Bowl performer for the Steelers whose beard resembles your mom’s pubic mound

Where You Might Find Him: Big Ben was all set to catch O.A.R. on the Sunshine Stage at Summer Camp with some chill bros from his fraternity at Miami University of Ohio, but ever since he ate that chocolate he got from Kiesel, he’s been super paranoid and keeps seeing Steelers’ helmets everywhere he looks (above). He’s currently laying low in the RV with the door locked and the lights off, pretending nobody is home if anyone knocks.

Troy Polamalu

Who Is Troy: Arguably the greatest safety in NFL history to wear a wire-haired perm

Where You Might Find Him: When he’s not busy rinsing with Selsun Blue Voluminous Curls shampoo, Troy enjoys hitting the festies as an opportunity to “let his hair down.” He’s the dude you see vying for attention by walking around on stilts with a huge stupid hat or wearing an adult diaper and plowing tall boys from a brown bag.

Chris Kemoeatu

Who Is Chris: Hailing from the South Pacific island of Tonga this 344-pound guard has been spotted palling around with Snoop Dogg.

Where You Might Find Him: Kemoeatu is quite the hip-hop head, despite hailing for a remote island nation that never once had the Rock The Bells or Smokin’ Grooves tours schedule a stop there. Before even stepping foot on the campus of the University Of Utah, he was well versed in everything from KRS-One to De La Soul to Wu-Tang to Mos Def, thanks to the miracle of peer-to-peer file sharing. Kemoeatu is currently eying up a guest spot on Wiz Khalifa’s Super Bowl version of Black & Gold if the Steelers take home the Lombardi Trophy.

Green Bay Packers

Brandon Chillar

Who Is Brandon: Injured linebacker from UCLA, whose bio page dutifully points out that his last name is pronounced CHILL-ar.

Where You Might Find Him: With a last name like Chillar, it’s no surprise that Brandon gets down to mellow surf-rocker Jack Johnson and all things that Brushfire Records puts out. Chillar, who didn’t realize that Green Bay had zero surf shops until after he signed there as a free agent, is typically the first to bust out the footbag and get a good circle going while waiting for ALO, Donovan Frankenreiter, G. Love or Matt Costa to take the stage.

AJ Hawk

Who Is AJ: Star linebacker for the Packers, attended The Ohio State University and is a huge ICP Fan

Where You Might Find Him: Prior to 2009, he and tour buddy and main ninja Ass Dan hadn’t missed a single Mrs. Potato Dick show in over four years. Ever since Ass Dan’s tragic passing, he’s gotten back in to Deicide.

Atari Bigby

Who Is Atari: Jamaican-born strong safety and Lil’ Jon lookalike currently suffering from a groin injury.

Where You Might Find Him: His favorite musician is Zack from Rage and he hates when people ask him about bleeding-heart reggae like Michael Franti and  Matisyahu. Lately, he’s been seen hanging around on Biscuits tour as now that he’s famous, fans regularly kick him down free balloons.

Clay Matthews

Who Is Clay: Third generation NFL player, whose dad and grandfather both played in the league. All-Pro linebacker, whose long-flowing locks used to get him mistaken for a girl until he bulked up and tried out for a scholarship.

Where You Might Find Him: Clay is undoubtedly a beast on the football field racking up 13.5 sacks this season. When he’s not trying to crush quarterbacks he loves to get barefoot throw on a pair of butterfly wings to get down with the blissed-out twirlers and hula-hooping hippies at String Cheese’s annual Hornings Hideout festival. SCI fans love to watch the 6’3″, 255-pounder’s golden locks twist and turn. Matthews was devastated when Nershi decided to go electric, but with less and less SCI shows these days he’s learned to embrace it.

Written By Jeffrey Greenblatt & Ryan Dembinsky

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One thought on “Super Bowl XLV – Weird Beards & Long Hair

  1. Little Blaster Reply

    I saw Hawk on Boyz II Dicks tour slinging bunk mayonnaise.

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