Super Bowl XLV – Weird Beards & Long Hair
As we gear up for the annual day of gluttony otherwise known as Super Bowl Sunday, we couldn’t help but notice the uncanny similarities between a number of players on the rosters of the Green Bay Packers and the Pittsburgh Steelers and those of the faces you’ll find at any number of summer music festivals. Sure plenty of players let their facial hair grow out, or let their manes go uncut for the playoffs, but a quick glance at the sidelines of both teams will find as many weird beards and long-haired players as you’d expect to see at a My Morning Jacket show.
So we here at Team HT decided to pick some of our favorite players that are letting their freak flag fly, and imagined where and to whom you might find these gridiron warriors rocking out to when their season is over…
Brett Keisel
Who Is Brett: Defensive End who has become a cult hero in Pittsburgh, inspiring the Fear The Beard movement and is quite possibly one step away from being found on Passed Out Wookies if the Steelers win the Super Bowl.
Where You Might Find Him: Ever since that transcendent night at Big Cypress, Keisel has become a full on grizzled tour vet, catching as many Phish shows as he can each year before training camp. When the Phab Phour rolls through the ‘burgh for a stop at the First Niagara Pavilion (which Keis will always call Star Lake), you’ll find his dirt-caked feet in patchwork overalls raging Page side with his Lushington sign, and post-show slinging some of the tastiest veggie burritos and headiest craft beers around.
READ ON for more of our picks…
Who Is Big Ben: Star quarterback and clutch Super Bowl performer for the Steelers whose beard resembles your mom’s pubic mound
Where You Might Find Him: Big Ben was all set to catch O.A.R. on the Sunshine Stage at Summer Camp with some chill bros from his fraternity at Miami University of Ohio, but ever since he ate that chocolate he got from Kiesel, he’s been super paranoid and keeps seeing Steelers’ helmets everywhere he looks (above). He’s currently laying low in the RV with the door locked and the lights off, pretending nobody is home if anyone knocks.
Who Is Troy: Arguably the greatest safety in NFL history to wear a wire-haired perm
Where You Might Find Him: When he’s not busy rinsing with Selsun Blue Voluminous Curls shampoo, Troy enjoys hitting the festies as an opportunity to “let his hair down.” He’s the dude you see vying for attention by walking around on stilts with a huge stupid hat or wearing an adult diaper and plowing tall boys from a brown bag.
Chris Kemoeatu
Who Is Chris: Hailing from the South Pacific island of Tonga this 344-pound guard has been spotted palling around with Snoop Dogg.
Where You Might Find Him: Kemoeatu is quite the hip-hop head, despite hailing for a remote island nation that never once had the Rock The Bells or Smokin’ Grooves tours schedule a stop there. Before even stepping foot on the campus of the University Of Utah, he was well versed in everything from KRS-One to De La Soul to Wu-Tang to Mos Def, thanks to the miracle of peer-to-peer file sharing. Kemoeatu is currently eying up a guest spot on Wiz Khalifa’s Super Bowl version of Black & Gold if the Steelers take home the Lombardi Trophy.
Brandon Chillar
Who Is Brandon: Injured linebacker from UCLA, whose bio page dutifully points out that his last name is pronounced CHILL-ar.
Where You Might Find Him: With a last name like Chillar, it’s no surprise that Brandon gets down to mellow surf-rocker Jack Johnson and all things that Brushfire Records puts out. Chillar, who didn’t realize that Green Bay had zero surf shops until after he signed there as a free agent, is typically the first to bust out the footbag and get a good circle going while waiting for ALO, Donovan Frankenreiter, G. Love or Matt Costa to take the stage.
AJ Hawk
Who Is AJ: Star linebacker for the Packers, attended The Ohio State University and is a huge ICP Fan
Where You Might Find Him: Prior to 2009, he and tour buddy and main ninja Ass Dan hadn’t missed a single Mrs. Potato Dick show in over four years. Ever since Ass Dan’s tragic passing, he’s gotten back in to Deicide.
Atari Bigby
Who Is Atari: Jamaican-born strong safety and Lil’ Jon lookalike currently suffering from a groin injury.
Where You Might Find Him: His favorite musician is Zack from Rage and he hates when people ask him about bleeding-heart reggae like Michael Franti and Matisyahu. Lately, he’s been seen hanging around on Biscuits tour as now that he’s famous, fans regularly kick him down free balloons.
Clay Matthews
Who Is Clay: Third generation NFL player, whose dad and grandfather both played in the league. All-Pro linebacker, whose long-flowing locks used to get him mistaken for a girl until he bulked up and tried out for a scholarship.
Where You Might Find Him: Clay is undoubtedly a beast on the football field racking up 13.5 sacks this season. When he’s not trying to crush quarterbacks he loves to get barefoot throw on a pair of butterfly wings to get down with the blissed-out twirlers and hula-hooping hippies at String Cheese’s annual Hornings Hideout festival. SCI fans love to watch the 6’3″, 255-pounder’s golden locks twist and turn. Matthews was devastated when Nershi decided to go electric, but with less and less SCI shows these days he’s learned to embrace it.
Written By Jeffrey Greenblatt & Ryan Dembinsky
I saw Hawk on Boyz II Dicks tour slinging bunk mayonnaise.