The closest I’ve ever come to being ‘punk rock’ was when I played guitar in a one-off performance of the Grateful Dead Nixons. We played a four-minute set of Dead tunes done with the tempo, brevity and angst of a visit to CBGB’s bathroom.

I’m not shitting you when I say that we played four albums worth of Dead songs in four minutes. Our version of Dark Star took more time to count out than it took to actually play. But that’s the closest I ever came to being punk rock. We did not break anything or topple amplifiers, and we didn’t even spit on the audience. Although, I think my shirt may have had a tiny alligator on the left breast…

While I’m obviously not a punk rocker in any sense, I once had a decent collection of seven-inches and a couple of cool patches for my backpack. I’ve long since moved on from my “Gabba-Gabba-heyday(s),” until last week, when the iPod Shuffle Gods dropped a perfectly timed Sonic Reducer by The Deadboys on me.

I’ve spent the last seven days brushing up on my favorite two-minute power-chord cures for disco. At the request of B-List patriarch Scotty Bernstein, it’s time to present my personal Top 10 punk bands of all time. To make things interesting, I’ve decided to make it omit any bands with names that start with the word “The.” So, pierce your nose with a safety pin, and let’s dig in after the jump…

10. Green Day

Longview

They may not be very ‘punk’ anymore, but their song Longview is possibly the single greatest ode to masturbation of the past 20 years! For that, and the fact that their drummer’s name is Tre Cool, they make my list.

9. Descendents

When I Get Old

I never really listened to Descendents, but I loved the fact that each album had almost identical cover artwork. Remember that weird pencil-drawn dude with the square glasses? He always reminded me of my friend Ed. Apparently it doesn’t take much to get on one of my Top 10 lists…

8. Suicidal Tendencies

Institutionalized

This band makes me wish I had learned to skateboard. Suicidal Tendencies may be a little too California metal-punk for some, but their debut album has some of the cleverest punk songs to ever grace a skateboarding video soundtrack. Yeah, I’ll admit I discovered this band watching Beavis and Butthead.

7. X-Ray Spex

Oh Bondage, Up Yours

There are some that have accused X-Ray Spex of seriously sucking. But with songs like I Am a Poseur and I Am a Cliché, you can’t accuse of them being dishonest. Lead singer Poly Styrene is so bad she’s good. Plus they’ve got a saxophone. Kudos to the Spex for the inventing the Punk Rock saxophone, which predates the Saxaboom by 25 years.

6. Minor Threat

Straight Edge

My love for beer and my antipathy for politics always prevented me from getting into these kings of straight-edge and progenitors of hardcore, but I respect any punk band whose most well known song is less than a minute long: Straight Edge is actually 45 seconds of thrashing punk fury, to be exact. Not to mention the fact that their only full album, Out of Step clocks in at a whopping 23 minutes!

5. Richard Hell and the Voidoids

Blank Generation

Perhaps I’m stretching it here since there’s a very obvious “The” in “The Voidoids,” but Richard Hell was one of the most integral part of the early NYC punk scene. He didn’t have a prolific output by any means, but his song Blank Generation alone lands him on this list.

4. NOFX

Jeff Wears Birkenstocks

Maybe they’re a little California sugar-punk for some, but NOFX wrote some of the cleverest songs to ever grace a snowboarding video soundtrack…(déjà vu?) Just check out Jeff Wears Birkenstock for witty, acerbic, punk lyricism including the line ‘Don’t wanna chill, don’t wanna sit, Don’t wanna hear no hippy shit…’

3. Television

Marquee Moon (alternate take)

Television looked like a garage rock band, their debut album Marquee Moon sounded like an art-rock band, and the title track clocks in at more than 10 minutes long. Yet there is no doubt these guys helped create the New York punk scene. Alongside Patti Smith, The Ramones, Tuff Darts, Blondie and others Television was one of the first bands to take rock in a new, punk direction.

2. Black Flag

Slip It In

These California “Godfathers of Hardcore” took their cues from early punk, metal and even jazz to create an aggressive and distinctive sound that still resonates with angry American teenagers to this day. I’m a little afraid of former singer Henry Rollins, and I put them at number two for fear of his spoken-word reprisals…

1. Dead Kennedys

Holiday in Cambodia

Jello Biafra scares the shit out of me. His voice sounds like an aural mixed drink consisting roughly of two-parts anxiety, one-part carnie folk, and a slight splash of nosebleed. Dead Kennedys may be better known as the inspiration for the one-off performance of Grateful Dead Nixons, but they’re also one of the most hard-hitting, influential bands of the early hardcore-punk scene. California! Huberalis! Huberalis! California!

So, folks, what’s your favorite? Who did Neeko leave out? Let us know…