For this week’s B-List, a Scotty/Rupert collaboration, we’ve taken the liberty of handpicking some of the world’s finest locales where the pickin’s are ripe for a hippie festival. Some places are just begging for a few stages, several thousand hippies, and our favorite jambands. Where you ask? I’ll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I’m talking about a little place called…

Green Bay: Not only are the fans in green Bay fervid supporters of just about everything, but they are apparently quite skilled in coercing their idols out of retirement. Perhaps they can put those skills to work and convince Kang, Nershi, and crew to come out of retirement for a big festival group scream. You know those guys would be all about the Cheesehead hats.

Reykjavik: Of course the Sigur Ros headliner appeals, but also if the organizers time it right, this festival could exist entirely at night. This serves a dual function: A) the spun folk never have to feel bad for not sleeping over the course of 72 straight hours, because it would really be just one night and B) we all avoid the inevitable embarrassment of returning to work on Monday with 3rd degree sunburn.

Central Park: Self serving perhaps, but how fun would it be to camp out for the weekend in the middle of Central Park with bands set up throughout the horticultural masterpiece? Come on; throw us a bone. A lot of us poor saps in New York don’t have cars, so it’s getting tricky to make it to many of the good festivals without spending multiple thousand dollars. Besides, parking will be a snap for the rest of you.

Fallujah, Iraq: Maybe the Sunnis and Shiites can come together over a game of hacky sack while listening to the latest String Cheese Incident side project. We just want to see Michael Franti say “How ya feelin’, Fallujah?” READ ON…

Dunwyn: In addition to the beautiful scenic landscapes dotted with old world architecture and stunning castles, Gummi Berry Juice flows free through Dunwyn like the Salmon of Capistrano, affording goers the ability to transform into rubber and bounce off the walls for hours at a time. The nearby Gummi Glen is more than equipped for an influx of visitors as the trees all double as fully furnished houses. And the best part is that Dunwyn is equipped with a catapult, which is used to launch misbehaving wookies into neighboring area zones.

Jefferson County, Alabama: This one is actually somewhat real. This county is dirt-ass broke and plummeting into a bankruptcy scenario that does not look good for the locals – or their sewer system. Jefferson County appears to be a few short months away from swimming in their own feces, so they might as well bring in a big fat festival to provide some portables, a source of revenue, and some temporary jobs for the residents. Weird side note: Guess what other township is broke? East Hampton.

King of Prussia, Pennsylvania: I had to do it. It was either this, Weekapaug, RI, or the Continental Divide in Colorado and at least in King of Prussia, we can hope for a story night. The Wedge was tempting, but Harpua and Mockingbird won that debate with ease. Plus, the young scalawags can scour about the grounds in search of the Rhombus and they have a nice big mall, so we can eat Cinnabon for breakfast.

The Mayan Ruins: Tents are for suckers. Rothbury already one-upped the old camping/RV accommodations with on-site cabins, so the competition is about to get fierce. Why not raise see Rothbury’s cabins and raise them some ancient ruins? In addition, STS9 even give workshops explaining the Law of Time from the Mayan Calendar and lead crystal digging expeditions right on the grounds.

Kahuku, Hawaii: Jack Johnson’s hometown. Since he seems to play every single festival ever he should get to play one at home. Plus, if we have to listen to his shitty music, why shouldn’t the folks from his birthplace?

Busy Corner, Tennessee: Located just one exit away from Manchester, this town has felt a major inferiority complex since 2002. We have a feeling the Hatfields of Busy Corner would love to take the McCoys from Manchester down a notch. Let’s get Led Zeppelin to play in Busy Corner to even things up around Coffee County.