Twelve Ways To Spoil A Phish (Reunion)

But honestly, who cares? It’s all speculation and doesn’t amount to anything more than my own cynical opinion. I’m the guy who bitches about every big band reunion announcement, citing some imaginary rules of conduct for former rock n’ roll legends, and then gets up early on a Saturday to score the $190 tickets from ticketbastard. So what the fuck do I know? But in the spirit of all the hypotheticals flying around the internet, I’d like to contribute my own little bit of bullshit and conjecture to the larger pile of bullshit and conjecture known simply as “The How-What-When-and-Why of the Big-Phish-Reunion: A Guide for the Band by the Phans”.

So, should the band choose to return to the stage in any shape or form as Phish here are my own personal suggestions to make the experience more positive for all. To be taken with a grain of salt, shaken, not stirred, and followed up with two lot burritos.

1) Don’t Record a New Album. Seriously. Unless its another Junta or Lawnboy, don’t bother. Just go practice YEM so the poor man can keep his damn left testicle!

2) Lose the Dress. Seriously. Fishman, we know you’re wacky. We’ve all seen your ass on stage. You play a vacuum cleaner. We know you is loco, esse! But that fahkin moo-moo has got to go. The sight of that unwashed sweat rag makes me want to retch. You probably smell like Phys-ed.

3) Record a New Album. Definitely. Or don’t. It’s already been leaked on like ten different p2p sites. whatevs…

4) Publish Your Setlists the Day Before a Show. This will benefit no one; I just think it would be funny to see the reaction online.

5) Two words- The Dude of Life. Everyone loves him, and he always injects that much needed, oft-missing ingredient into the show: sequins.

6) Play Several Short Sets. Like, four or five 25 minute sets a night. Your audience is old now. They’ll need to take more breaks to pee and call the babysitter to check up on the kids.

7) Show tunes!

8) More shows in Camden. The E-Center? More like the “Best-Most-Safest-Place-on-Earth-to-See-a-Show Center”! I hope, if they do reunite, they play all of their shows in beautiful Camden, NJ!

9) Loosen Up. I think the band should play some fun songs, like that Page’s New Shirt song. Their other stuff is so gloomy. Velvet Sea?! Even Page can’t keep it together for that one. If they’re going to come back, they should try not to be so sullen. Maybe smile once in a while up there, guys?

10) Don’t Shine That Thing in My Face, Man. I’m serious… I’m serious. Turn it off. “Oooh! Look how the lights go along with the jams! It’s as if the lights are playing the band!” Shut up, hippy. I’m trying to hang on every movement of Trey’s eyebrows, and those lights are distracting!

11) Less Drama. For instance, the unnecessary pause in The Divided Sky or that long sustained note in that You Enjoy Myself tune. I think we would all rather you get on with it and sing the lyrics already.

and finally, from the Home office in Sioux City, Iowa …

12) Fluffhead. This one is for real. Just play it. Mike, this isn’t really up to you anymore. How would you feel if you went to Disney World with your family, and they refused to let you ride Space Mountain? It’s kind of like that.

Our four favorite geeks from VT may very well never play under the Phish moniker again; that all remains to be seen. But if they do, I’ll be very disappointed if they don’t follow at least a few of these pointers. These suggestions are pure gold, and they know it. And I know the band will see this list because my old roommate is good friends with a guy who used to work at the Green Leafe Café down in VA, and he used to date this girl who’s brother got pot from the same guy as a girl who used to date a friend of Fishman’s, and he said he’ll forward this on to Fishman and Fishman will definitely read it because he reads, like, all of his emails. So, anyway… see you on tour!

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23 thoughts on “Twelve Ways To Spoil A Phish (Reunion)

  1. L Reply

    EXACTLY- why??? when I was 16-23 Phishs goofy immature lyrics and drug friendly environment was perfect- Now that I’m 32 theres no place for my mind there…I’ve moved on to better bands, with better lyrics that relate to me, And can actually play. And the fan base was half the trip. Ok, yeah there are budding college students everywhere with bad taste too high on drugs to notice that Phish actually sucks..but whats the point? I used to LOVE phish, saw em about 40 times, but now I cant stand it. My 2 friends who actually never moved on and can still play old tapes might go, but not Me or my wife.

  2. Hadley66 Reply

    It would be irresponsible for them to ever play Fluffhead again, as it would cause the collapse of the cottage industry based on getting “Fluffhead” signs on television at major sporting events.

  3. neeko Reply

    L, I think you may have missed the finer point- what I was really attempting to illuminate is my own (although, vastly shared) rejection of the ‘New Criticism’ of the 1960s as well as the earlier school of ‘Russian Formalism’… It is, obviously, a rejection based on a formal critique contained within several subtle layers of precisely chosen language and suggestive allusions, carefully tended within a form of an almost meta-syntactic construction. The “Phish” is, therefore, renedered irrelevant to the true fabric of the content in so much as the content follows form, wherein and to wit the actual, notwiothstanding the unactualized, contexztualization of formal content is an informal analysisi within and of itself. It says something about the duality of man.

  4. Chilly Jackwater Reply

    ::buys dogfood::

  5. zip up Reply

    ISO: Trey set from Rothbury :)

  6. the joker Reply

    ill admit it, i chuckled a couple of times.

  7. Rob S. Reply

    I’m guessing this is a joke.

    If not, chill dude.

    Phi$h should get back together, because they just should. I have a job (I’m procrastinating right now, but that’s besides the point), why can’t they?

    Who says you have to go back on tour, or even go at all?

    Just play the festival scene, continue with their own festival scene, record a whole album of covers near-and-dear, have guest lyricists contribute for a benefit album, release the whole album on LivePhish without a record company involved, only play during the summer, only play 1 set (opening band though, please). Any of these changes could help. Break the Phish mould/mold and you’ll find the world is your oyster(head).

    Musicians are artists and craftsmen. You can make all the hooplah you want, but at the end of the day, they’re simply playing instruments, and/or rocking out to a crazy light show.

    I for one would love to see a single concert in Boston, and would pay face $70 for tix, and would be happy to sit out a tour or two to let the frenzy die down.

  8. Jess R Reply

    ::Mike shits brick and catches first flight to Florida before the operators of Space Mountain see this list & get any ideas::

    f*cking with Mike’s space mountain is like f*cking with his emotions, Neeko. Otherwise, pure gold. And I’m in agreement about the Camden idea. There’s even a bum (perhaps upgrading to permanent crack den resident by now) on the corner of the E-Center who will park your car for 2 dolla. You just can’t argue with that type of service.

  9. Jess R Reply

    ::Mike shits brick & catches first plane to Florida before the Space Mountain operators see this list and get any ideas::

    f*cking with Mike’s space mountain is like f*cking with his emotions, Neeko. Way harsh. Pure gold otherwise. I agree with the Camden idea. There’s even a bum (who may have upgraded to permanent crack den resident by now) on the corner of the E-Center who will park your car for 2 dolla. Really, you just can’t argue with that type of service.

  10. Jess R Reply

    ::Mike shits brick & catches first plane to Florida before the Space Mountain operators see this list and get any ideas::

    f*cking with Mike’s space mountain is like f*cking with his emotions, Neeko. Way harsh. Pure gold otherwise. I agree with the Camden idea. There’s even a bum (who may have upgraded to permanent crack den resident by now) on the corner of the E-Center who will park your car for 2 dolla. Really, you just can’t argue with that type of service.

  11. jon fishman Reply

    We’re considering #’s 5, 7 and 10.

  12. dave Reply

    im 33 , and have a wife and son, and can not fucking wait to go back to phish shows…get a life you pretentious “mature” adult….hope you have a night day at work ;)

  13. Jess R Reply

    wow, sorry for the multiple posts (didn’t realize it actually posted the first time(s)/computer kept crashing the website)

    tough crowd, Neeko! But I think you touch upon some relevant ideas here…even Jon Fishman agrees with some of these suggestions hehe. those lights MUST be annoying shining in their faces.

    (gotta go change the puppy training wee-wee pad that I have to keep under my uno deck now. the draw 4 wild card will be the death of my carpet)

  14. neeko Reply

    dave, who are you talking to you? I seriously hope you didnt just call me a “mature” adult. I swear to god, I will kick you so hard in your 401k that your time-share in boca will feel it.

  15. headyesq Reply

    dude man bro…..

  16. Lib4 Reply

    As a now 36 yr old Phishhead raised in the heyday 91-04 your rant about “minivans families and brunches” is so me at this point of my life its not even funny….even if they reunited I would be hard pressed to remember the complete ending lyrics to “Simple” let alone muster the energy to do the Meatstick Dance. I would almost prefer they stay away….they had their moment in time…TWICE….let it be…

  17. natx Reply

    The hell is this anyway – is there a point to the article?

    Or is it just some dude whining about the good old da

    Your arguments about the world going to crap are only reasons that Phish should get back together.

  18. MooMoo Reply

    This has got to be the worst read ever on Glide.
    There was no point at all. I am “that guy” he is talking about.
    I saw my 90′s shows and now I own my own business and have a family. I would still go see 2-3 shows a season and still have a blast because my kids love their babysitter and I have family locally. If anything this post 9/11 world needs Phish back.

  19. dr. neeko is cool Reply

    i arrived at two conclusions after reading this…1, dr. neeko does not make his living as a writer, and 2, maybe dr. neeko should hang it up completely.

  20. neeko Reply

    whaaaaaaaaa!

  21. peloquin Reply

    i laughed till i stopped

  22. WildPhillyBob Reply

    If you don’t like them, don’t go see them anymore. The scene will not miss you one bit. Phish is greatness and greatness is timeless. Good is good. The Beatles’ songs are still great. Did they have their time and place? Well, that’s how so many Phish and music fans in general feel. Phish is one of those hallmarks along the time line of music. And as long as no one in the band kills themselves, dies, or some sort of massive tragedy happens, then I say let them play ’til they can’t play no more.

  23. neeko Reply

    i still think this is brilliant

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